Witty Retorts Every Homeschooler Needs

An Essay By Amy // 11/23/2008

Feel free to memorize these and administer them to any hapless, clueless people who ask you insipid questions. Cynicism is a very important element, so make sure you sound very sarcastic when you reply. I can almost assure you that after using one of these replies; you’ll never have to worry about your conversant asking any more stupid questions about homeschooling. Or anything else, with any luck.

Deluded person: Who teaches you?
Homeschooler: Everyone I meet, in some way. You, for instance...

Deluded person: Oh, I should homeschool my kids, but I don’t have the patience.
Homeschooler: Therefore the solution is bundle them off to school at every opportunity, then wonder why they don’t seem to be as competent as you would like. School sucks all of the innate ability and creativity out of you and replaces it with dependence and regurgitation.

Deluded person: Do you have prom?
Homeschooler: Why would we need a prom?

Deluded person: What about socialization?
Homeschooler: We can have intelligent conversations about interesting things. You?
Deluded person: Umm....but what about socialization?
Homeschooler: We’ve mastered it.

Deluded person: Does your Mom give you grades?
Homeschooler: We all know that letters are the best way to assess people. You can tell everything you’ll ever need to know about anyone by those little letters.

Deluded person: Do you have any friends?
Homeschooler: No. We live in grottos.

Deluded person: What about sports?
Homeschooler: Does taking the dog out count?

Deluded person: Do you have lockers?
Homeschooler: All right, you’ve got me there. I have to admit, we do suffer on that account. But despite not having lockers, we do live worthwhile lives.

Comments

Haha, fun. :D Another

Haha, fun. :D Another response to the "What about socialization" question is one that a lady in my homeschool group has used, "Well, I thought about having the kids beat each other up for lunch money, but I just don't think they need that kind of socialization."

Nice job, Amy!

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

Delaney | Sun, 11/23/2008

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

^ :P That was great. >

^ :P That was great.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You're pirates! Hang the code, and hang the rules! They're more like guidelines anyway"
-Elizabeth Swan//Pirates of the Caribbean//Curse of the Black Pearl

Sarah | Sun, 11/23/2008

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

Ha ha

I have a friend that says that the fact that homeschoolers get good grades doesn't matter, because we aren't socialized.

However, now that I have learned to say 'wazup dog' he considers me to be more properly socialized.

Ezra | Sun, 11/23/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

wazup dog?

Oh, good heavens...

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

Delaney | Sun, 11/23/2008

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

Besides, what do we need

Besides, what do we need socialization for? We've got Apricot Pie, right (hee hee)? Doesn't prom make you mad? All the stupid teenage girls going "Prom, Prom, giggle, and Sack Efron, hee hee." Sorry, that last part was just to show you how much I despies girl-oh I mean boy (hint).

Why am I so mean?

"Sunny, bite the head off of that elf!" (Violet Baudelaire

The Brit | Sun, 11/23/2008

You left out my favorite...

You left out my favorite question!
Deluded person: "Don't you get bored?"
Homeschooler: " Even if I had time to get bored, my mom makes me do something dreadful like school or housework every time I say I'm bored."
Well written, Amy! You made me laugh.

"Never let a serious crisis go to waste."
-Rom Emmanuel

Mary | Sun, 11/23/2008

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

oh, yeah. Here's one I get a

oh, yeah. Here's one I get a lot.

Deluded Person: Do you have any friends?
Me: No, I scared them all off.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You're pirates! Hang the code, and hang the rules! They're more like guidelines anyway"
-Elizabeth Swan//Pirates of the Caribbean//Curse of the Black Pearl

Sarah | Sun, 11/23/2008

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

Socialization?

Alternate Response to Socialization Question:
"Socialization? Puh-lease! That is SO early '90s..."
That Socialization thing is my favorite. So many people who have never been homeschooled think we're all a bunch of social retards...
...if they only knew what they're missing!

James | Mon, 11/24/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

yeah! I mean, almost

yeah! I mean, almost everyone I talk to acts like I should be wide-eyed and mystified about everything "normal" teen know about. It's pretty sad that they assume we're so dumb.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You're pirates! Hang the code, and hang the rules! They're more like guidelines anyway"
-Elizabeth Swan//Pirates of the Caribbean//Curse of the Black Pearl

Sarah | Mon, 11/24/2008

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]

The Brit, I totally love your comment.
Deluded Person: Who teaches you?
Homeschooler: Everyone I meet, in some way. You, for instance...
This was funny!
I've actually become more like everybody else in this last year. Like I listen to more pop now and have changed the way I talk [example: "shownuff", yo, peace out, and OMG! =D he, he, he!]
-e

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every recording studio needs a rubber chicken.
-Joe Jonas

Emily | Mon, 11/24/2008

Well, I like those.

Well, I like those. Unfortunately I rarely get a chance to use them, as almost everyone I know is either homeschooled, used to be homeschooled, or wishes they were homeschooled. :) I love the "Do you have any friends" one.
(And I agree with the Brit... HSM kills my soul.)

*************************************************
"The world will likely end tomorrow - unless postponed for rain." -Tamerah (on her blog)

Anna | Mon, 11/24/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

This was sweet!

I usually hang out with all homeschoolers, but every now and then I get one of these questions. To the socialization issue, I reply with a recited list of my family's activities at that certain time of the year. usually most days of the week are full with something other than school. It's fun to see people's eyes glaze over as they realize you do a lot more than they would. :0) It also helps to tell them that you can converse with people in any age group more intelligently than they can!
I have a ton of friends who used to go to public school. Every one of them has told me, "Be glad you aren't in public school. I never want to go back. Homeschoolers aren't scared of seeming silly--they know how to have fun way better than public schoolers!"
Thanks for writing this Amy...I loved it!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
But he didn't live happily ever after because he was a fairy-tale non-conformist
~Duncan MR

Heather | Mon, 11/24/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

:>)

Hilarious! and I will definitely use these... it seems I find myself explaining homeschooling to loads of clueless people. Although in my experiences, the kids I talk to about homeschooling are always more understanding (and sometimes envious) whereas the adults who ask about it are absolutely ignorant...

Oh, and about socialization... whenever we used to talk in the halls, the teachers would yell at us, "Quiet! We're not here to socialize!" ironic, isn't it?

** ** ** ** ** **
Knowledge is limited. Imagination encompasses the world.
--Albert Einstein

Hannah W. | Mon, 11/24/2008

I just thought of a

I just thought of a question.
Deluded Person: Is school closed to day?
Homeschooler: No, it's open every day, because I'm homeschooled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every recording studio needs a rubber chicken.
-Joe Jonas

Emily | Tue, 11/25/2008

this was great

but yeah, ppl in my town are always asking me stupid questions thinking since i'm homeschooled i wouldn't know about it. or that since i'm homeschooled i don't even listen to rock music. indeed, it is christian rock...altho i have heard non-christian. but then again, they do know homeschoolers are so much smarter. lol. they've told me that before. =)
**~~**
a creative mind never ceases for long in thinking.

Paula J | Tue, 11/25/2008

~All men were created equal, then some became Marines~
*Death smiles at everyone, Marines smile back*
gotta love the Marines!!

Haha!!

I will SO be trying some of those. That's hilarious!!!

-Falling Leaves

"I'm not that complicated...My complications come out in my songs. All you you have to do to be my friend is like me...And listen." -Taylor Swift (one of the best musical artists ever!)

E | Tue, 11/25/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Oh and......

Oh and by the way, I always have people asking me if we take a break for holidays and weekends and stuff. I couldn't think of anything witty so, yeah.
-Falling Leaves

"I'm not that complicated...My complications come out in my songs. All you you have to do to be my friend is like me...And listen." -Taylor Swift (one of the best musical artists ever!)

E | Tue, 11/25/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was hilarious!!! but, sadly, no one ever asks me a questin about homschooling. :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Men of Gondor, of Rohan!" Aragorn, LOTR.

Bernadette | Tue, 11/25/2008

Sorry, my fault

If someone assumes that you don't listen to rock music because you're homeschooled, it's probably because they've met weird people like me. I can't stand the stuff -- I find that it makes my brain pulse irrationally and generally lends itself to disorderly emotional mindlessness (I'm not talking about the lyrics, Christian or otherwise, but rather the music itself).
Sorry, that's just me. Some people may be wired differently and actually able to thrive on that noise.

James | Tue, 11/25/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Have any of you ever heard:

Have any of you ever heard: "I feel so sorry for you, being stuck at home all the time. Do you ever get out?"
I would just like to know who coined the term "homeschooling". I mean, come on! How often are we actually home? Why not call it 'minivan schooling' or 'doctor's waiting room schooling' or 'during Dad's deacon's meeting schooling' ... or is my mom the only one who sees every second as invaluable school time waiting to be taken?

"Never let serious crisis go to waste."
-Rom Emmanuel

Mary | Tue, 11/25/2008

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

Oh and another dumb question

Oh and another dumb question commonly asked by deluded persons: Do you get snow days?
I usually can't answer that one, though. I just stand there with a blank stare for a few seconds and then walk away.

"Never let serious crisis go to waste."
-Rom Emmanuel

Mary | Tue, 11/25/2008

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

i know

my mom can't stand rock music either. doesn't like the sound, plus she doesn't know what they're saying. lol.
as for snow days, i just say "no, we don't take them off unless we feel like it." i mean, if we have enough days and can take one off, we do, otherwise no, we do not.
ppl i know who aren't homeschooled think it is soo cool that my mom gives me the books and i do. some think it'd be cool to be homeschooled, and then others says it'd suck becuz they'd not have any friends.
homeschooling rocks!! =)
**~~**
a creative mind never ceases for long in thinking.

Paula J | Tue, 11/25/2008

~All men were created equal, then some became Marines~
*Death smiles at everyone, Marines smile back*
gotta love the Marines!!

Glad you liked it!

I'm really glad you all liked this! Thanks so much!

Falling Leaves, here's a retort for your "time off from school" question:
Deluded person: Do you get time off for the holidays?
Homeschooler: Yes, of course; during the holidays my mind shuts down and I stop learning anything.

This can also apply to any "Do you take the summer off?" questions.

Amy | Tue, 11/25/2008

James - I can be like that

James - I can be like that sometimes too. I guess there are nerdy homeschoolers like me who listen to showtunes and classical more than anything else, and homeschoolers who have more in common with public schoolers in musical and movie tastes. Nothing wrong with that. :D

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

Delaney | Tue, 11/25/2008

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

I love showtunes!!! I'm

I love showtunes!!! I'm actually listening to Phantom of the Opera right now. I don't mind rock music but I prefer showtunes and classic. I'm able to appreciate the difficulty of writing something like Mozart. What I hate is when I finish my schoolwork at, like ten o'clock and then am out shopping with my mom and ppl are don't say anything exept they all look at you and you can clearly see that they're thinking "DROPOUT!!!" and since they didn't actually say anything you can't retort to them. hmph! I've thought about wearing a shirt that say something like "Homeschooler like it or not"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
...and that's all I'm gonna say! For now...

Keri | Tue, 11/25/2008

haha

that'd be funny to wear a shirt that says 'homeschooler like it or not'. i love that. =)
-Paula

Anonymous | Tue, 11/25/2008

I love Phantom of the Opera!

I love Phantom of the Opera! Except that they picked a worthless Rouel (I think that's how to spell his name). As for the whole music thing....eh, I'm not really a big fan of rock, and rap is just...pointless. I like jazz (which can mean a number of different things), classical, a little folk music, pretty much anything Josh Groban, and other songs that I'm not sure what category they would fit into. Actually I don't really listen to a lot of music. I don't know, but I do hate it when people think that they have to ex-plaaaain thiings ve-ry care-fu-lly. Don't these people know that I probably know more about things (more important things, may I add) then they do? And I want to know from them, do they get birthdays off like we do?

"Sunny, bite the head off of that elf!" (Violet Baudelaire)

The Brit | Tue, 11/25/2008

Dropout Syndrome Prevention

There's some simple ways to avoid having people think you're a dropout when you go to the store early in the day. Basically, it's all about appearances.
First of all, dress sharply. If you're a guy, wear a shirt with a colar and tuck in. If you're a girl, wear a modest dress or jumper.
Secondly, make sure you're hair doesn't look (for lack of a better word) worldly. If you're a guy, make sure it's not shaggy and for goodness sake don't spike it. If you're a girl, don't get one of those "layered" haircuts. Better yet, don't get a haircut at all. And don't wear makeup either.
Thirdly, carry yourself in a dignified manner. If you're a guy, pay extra attention to standing up straight, not slumping your shoulders, or slouching; walk with firm, determined steps.
If you're a girl, think graceful. That rules out wearing high-heels (hopefully you wouldn't wear those anyway just to go to the store). Walk softly and gracefully, like you would be expected to 200 years ago.
If you follow these guidelines, then it would take someone totally out of touch with reality to assume you are just some dropout.

James | Tue, 11/25/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Oh, I don't know if I agree

Oh, I don't know if I agree about high heels. They're quite impractical for, as you say, going to the store. And I think tall, skinny heels or platform heels are really ridiculous. But I love wearing my character shoes (I wear them for dancing and church) because the heel is practical and comfortable (1 and 1/2 inch, and thick) and it's a very flattering style of shoe. It makes any foot look pretty, and wearing them makes me feel feminine. (I sound like an advertisement!) I certainly wouldn't say that wearing them discourages walking gracefully. But I think what you're saying is that modest, feminine clothing helps a girl to act gracefully? I definitely agree with that.

But don't even get me started on super-treated, flat, layered hair. It took me 11 years to realize that my very curly hair does not have to look like a Barbie Doll's. :)

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

Delaney | Wed, 11/26/2008

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” - G.K. Chesterton

I happen to like it when

I happen to like it when guys have cool hair, and I do like a few styles they put out for girls now (e.g. dresses and striped leggings, rainbows, stars).
High heels, however, I despise. Good ol' sneakers for me!

*************************************************
"The world will likely end tomorrow - unless postponed for rain." -Tamerah (on her blog)

Anna | Wed, 11/26/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Navigation

User login

Please read this before creating a new account.