Instructions for Mirkwood

An Essay By Bernadette // 9/14/2009


Here are a list of tips (instructions) for when you enter, are in, and leaving Mirkwood.


What to wear: (including what not to wear) please wear a cape. A short cape, so that you can run easily in it; or, you will be falling over it, getting a snag in it, or getting caught in it. (It would be wonderful if you have a cape from Lotholrien, but if you can’t, any running cape will do.) (I hope you know that running will be done often in Mirkwood.) If you can, wear dark colored clothes, so that you cannot be seen so easily. (When wearing cape, try to wear hood.)  Do not wear armor; though chain mail is fine, as long as you wear something over it. Otherwise, it will shine in light and make a lot more noise. For weapons, you need a long knife, or a dagger. (Swords are to long!!!! Mirkwood is very squishy, except when you cleared a space by knocking down trees.) You may take a bow along, or an axe (Though I would say, to only bring an axe if you are a dwarf.) A four inch long knife would be useful; so you can stick it in your clothes, and no one will know. (Comes in handy if you get captured.)   Here are a few more things that you could bring along: a bandage, a flashlight, and a small bottle of healing ointment. (Don’t worry about food; you always have ‘your elf’ who will try to keep you from danger and bring you food).


How to enter: try to enter in a group. A group of three is the best, though four wouldn’t be bad either. (Never enter with a large group! Too much attention!) Make sure you have your sword out, hood on head, and that you are very quiet. Enter with your group walking like a choo-choo train. Then split into partners (dancing partiner!)  And sometime someone will go alone. (Don’t worry, you will run into them again) Try, please try to stay with you partner! (Well...for as long as you can…you will end up losing them, then reuniting again…)    


When you are in [Mirkwood]: one of the most important things you need to know is about Fakers. Whenever you meet someone, who is supposedly not evil, feel their face. If something comes off, kill them! They are not real, they are orcs.   (You may also speak elvish, and if they don’t answer in elvish, they are evil. Everyone knows how to speak a few words in elvish, and any evil will NOT speak in elvish.) If you are a very powerful elf, you will be able to feel that they are orcs. (If you are a powerful elf, lucky you!) Sometimes Fakers will do something that the real person would never do. Example: the fake Gimli  uses reins while riding a horse, (real Gimli does not) and the Fake Gimli never picks up fallen trees and never sings Gimli’s song. (His song is: La de da de da de bum bum bum-bum-bum-bum-bum!). So always make sure you check people before you tell them who you are! (So, if they follow you, and they are a Faker, they will kill you from behind.) (Oh, forgot to mention, there is a lot of fake Merrys.)  So now that we have the Fakers taken care of, I will tell you about trees and spider webs.   


Always avoid spider webs, and you can use your dagger (note: I did not say sword) to brush them way. If you get stuck to one, I hope your sword arm is free, so you can cut yourself free; or, you can stand there, and wait for someone to come along. (You can also take off your cape, so you can get free. Don’t worry, you will find it later) If you are an elf, (or you are Gimli or Bilbo Baggins) you will never get stuck to spider webs. I hope that when you are stuck you will never find a spider. (If you do, struggle and sing annoying songs, calling them Attercop, and if you can, throw stones at them.)


And now about trees.

Do not worry about knocking them over; though it would be kind to Gimli; if you did not knock over a lot of trees, (he picks up the trees) try not to fall under one, because it will not be very pleasant. (You can also throw them at orcs, sometimes helps, though they sometimes throw them at you.) And feel free to hide behind them, though people can see you and your movement, if you are close to the tree and it is light.     


When you leave: well, just leave. Just make sure you have finished your job, and, if you don’t know your way out, ask an elf.


So, if you are planning to go to Mirkwood, this will give you a few tips. And I will tell you some evils you will most likely meet: every one of them!!! Even Morgoth! (That’s the same with good people, thankfully)  



THE END (Not meaning that this whole thing was a joke.)       





Very helpful tools!! Great job!!! Very funny and very informative!!!! Loved it!!!!

Elizabeth | Fri, 09/18/2009


The Holy Spirit is the quiet guest of our soul." -St. Augustine

I am Morgoth (but my friends

I am Morgoth (but my friends call me Bob) and I resent the end of your post.

JK! lol My friend did give me the nickname Morgoth this summer, but I guess I deserved it for the LotR names I gave them. Anyway, this was very entertaining. ;)

Long live the Ringers!

Anna | Fri, 09/18/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Combo of Hobbit and Rings

Ah, yes, that was the nearly fatal mistake Bilbo and co made...entering as a group of fourteen.

.Enter with your group walking like a choo-choo train. Then split into partners (dancing partiner!)  And sometime someone will go alone. (Don’t worry, you will run into them again) Try, please try to stay with you partner! (Well...for as long as you can…you will end up losing them, then reuniting again…)    

I pictured the choo-choo part literally...choo-choo-chuggachuggachugga-choo-choo....hilarious. I'll be sure to pass it on to all my friends planning visits to Mirkwood.

Julie | Fri, 09/18/2009

Formerly Kestrel

I love this!!  It's so funny

I love this!!  It's so funny and...helpful! :D  I love the part where you described Mirkwood as being squishy.  And Gimli's song was great! :D

Clare Marie | Sun, 09/20/2009

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -Bilbo Baggins [The Lord of the Rings]


I so need to go to Mirkwood sometime! Even though I can't speak elvish, I swear I'm not a Faker!!! ;) Great essay, Bernadette!

Hannah W. | Sun, 09/27/2009

Why wear a cape at all? And

Why wear a cape at all? And doesn't calling the spiders Attercop make them more mad? If your not stuck in a web then call them whatever you like. And I don't remember Bilbo never getting stuck to spider webs. (He almost became dinner!) And I don't think I could find a flash light. 

Other then that, great advise! I really hate spiders though, so I won't be going to Mirkwood anytime soon. Thank for the tips on fakers. I don't know much about this kinda thing since I've only read the hobbit. 

"No capes!!!" -Edna Mode 

I am Nate-Dude | Tue, 09/29/2009