The Three Warriors Chapter 1 part 1 Melodious

Fiction By Godslittlegirltoo // 9/3/2008

It has been eleven years since Melodious, Dobbin and Hedera's parents death, how Melodious dealt with her parents death was

"Melodious where is Mommy and Daddy?" Hedera asked Melodious, the next day after their parents death, with tears starting to whell up in Hedera's eyes. "They went to heaven Hedera so their in a better place but they can never come back ok?" I asked Hedera. Hedera was only eight and knew what heaven was and how people got there so Melodious was just hoping that Hedera wouldn't cry as bad compared to telling her that they died by a murder and almost killed me but nno luck, Hedera still cried just the same. "It's ok Hedera, Mommy and Daddy are with the Lord now." But she kept on crying until finally Melodious got down to Hedera's level and said "Hedera it is going to be allright. I am here andI am not going to let anything happen to you, I will protect you, I will never leave your side."

And she never did, not for eleven years, now Hedera is seventeen, never been out of Melodious' sight for more than five seconds, now Hedera is Independant, has no friends, and stays next to Melodious' side at all times. "What have I done?" Melodious thought to herself, letting out little tears. "I sheltered Hedera because I was afraid of loosing her and now she is like a person who stares out the window waiting for somebody to come up the road." Melodious let out a few more tears and then started to wipe them away. "I have work to do." She said to herself softly. "And can't have Hedera and Dobbin see me crying, I have to stay strong for them." She wiped her tears a little more then went downstairs.

Comments

I really like this

I really like this, the inly thing I would like to see is a little more description, like an action while the character is saying the dialogue, thats all it needs. My rough drafts tend to have more talk then action, I like the writting to express emotion. I hope I didn't offend you, because I was not intending to, I was simply giving constructtive criticism.

marie (not verified) | Fri, 09/26/2008

(No subject)

marie (not verified) | Fri, 09/26/2008

Thank you

No you did not offend me, you are right I did not put enough action in it and I thank you for that really I never took an english class so I am just writing whatever pops up in my head. Thank you for the input :)

Anonymous | Sat, 09/27/2008

Okey, I sometimes come off

Okey, I sometimes come off as rude without meaning to,sorry about that. But I;m glad you saw my point. Action is very important in a story because you need to visualize "what" the character is doing. Like if they're ,for example, bitting their lip, it shows that this character is bored, agitated, ect. and also creates a mood to the story. Your story is really good, it has a strong plot, and the dialogue has alot of emotion. keep up the good work ;)

marie (not verified) | Sat, 09/27/2008

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Tori | Thu, 10/08/2009

“Oh Ronnie! I can’t believe you’re a prefect! That’s everyone in the family!” said Mrs. Weasley.
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?”
–George Weasley

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Tori | Thu, 10/08/2009

“Oh Ronnie! I can’t believe you’re a prefect! That’s everyone in the family!” said Mrs. Weasley.
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?”
–George Weasley

Great job!

hey your story was really good! I think that if you needed anything it would be punctuation. That helps! Please don't feel offended!

By the way i love your username!
heart for God!!!!

Tori | Wed, 10/29/2008

“Oh Ronnie! I can’t believe you’re a prefect! That’s everyone in the family!” said Mrs. Weasley.
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?”
–George Weasley

Don't talk about her

Don't talk about her punctuation. You need capatalization and punctuation work yourself, person (actually, "Tori", but I think that "person" is more affective)!!! Also, you don't need to post the idea three times.

"....So we're all men of our word, really, except Elizabeth who is in fact a woman." Captain Jack Sparrow

The Brit | Sat, 11/01/2008

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