The Three Warriors chapter 1 part 2 Dobbin

Fiction By Godslittlegirltoo // 9/27/2008

Well it has been eleven years since my parents died, when I woke up that morning I already knew what happened

"Hedera why are you crying?" Dobbin asked Hedera, while hugging her. "Melodious said that Mommy and Daddy went to heaven but-" Hedera's sobs came quicker "They left without saying good-bye and now I will never be able to." Hedera was crying so bad it was tearing at Dobbin's heart. Hedera cried herself to sleep, so Dobbin put Hedera in her bed, then went downstairs to talk with Melodious. "Why did you tell her they went to heaven! Why didn't you just tell her they went on a trip or something!" Dobbon said, angrily. "That would be lying and you know how God feels about lying." "Who cares, God is the one who killed our parents, and he didn't stop it." "Dobbin! How dare you speak that way about our Reedemer Savior and Friend." "Well you know what Melodious? God is not my friend anymore." "Dobbin?"

"And I haven't spoken to God since," Dobbin said, under his breath. "And I will never go back to him, not after what he'd done to our family." Dobbin started to cry. "Why. Why did this have to happen- happen to our family." Dobbin sat down and started to cry louder, Melodious heard and walked to Dobbin's room and found him crying in the corner of his room, Melodious walked over to him and started to hug him and say "it's ok God wil-" "Don't speak to me about God, God is the one who did this to us, he's the one who let it happen." "Ok Dobbin ok I'll let you sort this out, but don't be late for dinner." So Melodious left the room without as much as another word. "Why am I like this, I need to stop being angry with my family, after all it is not their fault it's Gods, he's the one who is making all of this happen.

Comments

You really need to clean

You really need to clean this up. I hate to sound so blunt, but have you ever heard of "editing" obviously not. But it's what you do before you post your writing. You see what needs filled in, no doubt it will be longer if you do that. Also avoid run-ons like "Dobbin asked Hndera while hugging her" Thats only one of them, there's many others. I actually read all three of your chapters of your story, I see another user asked you to "use more description" to echo them, yes that would probally be a good idea. Remember please edit before you post. I taught a writing class for five years, so I know potential when I see it. Your story is not hopeless, it just needs a lot of clean up. Ask someone to edit for you, like your Mother would be a good choice, or a friend.

Anonymous | Thu, 10/02/2008

Thank you

I am sorry that you did not like them. I know I have a lot of problems like that. I have been working on this story for 5 years and that is why it is like this, I already had 4 chapters done so I did not see the point in starting over. I plan to make this into an actual book but I am feild testing it to see what I need to change. Thank you for giving me guidence I really appreciate it. I have been told I have a lot of run on sentences but nobody will explain it to me how to. Thank you for your input
Godslittlegirltoo

Anonymous | Thu, 10/02/2008

I agree

I do agree with the first commenter. Here is a way to help fix run on sentences:

"Okay, Dobbin, okay. I'll let you sort this out, but don't be late for dinner."

Also, you should seperate the dialogue more. To do this, press enter on the keyboard (I know you know how to do that) then type up the next piece of dialogue or discription. And put in some more details and insights to the characters thoughts

For example:

"Why did you tell her they went to heaven? Why didn't you just tell her they went on a trip or something?" Dobbin cried angrily.
"Because, that would be lying and you know how God feels about lying," Melodious said.
"Who cares? God is the one who killed out parents, and he didn't stop it."
"Dobbin! How dare you speak that way about our redeemer, savior and friend!" Melodious said, mortified.
"Well you know what, Melodious? God is not my friend anymore," Dobbin said hatefully. Why? Why did this have to happen? They were a good family, nothing was wrong with them! "Arrgh!" Dobbin cried, grabbing his hair and pulling it hard. Tears dripped down his cheeks. "Why? Why?" he mumbled. He dropped to the floor.
"Dobbin?"
"What?"

I'll go ahead and stop there. I think that overall your story is quite nice, just clean it up and add more details and it would be great! =D hope this helps!

-Falling Leaves

"If life gives you lemons, throw them back!" -Joe Jonas (I think, or it might be another one of the AWESOME Jonas Brothers)

E | Fri, 10/03/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

That was

That was very helpful I thank you very much for it. Very nice.

Anonymous | Sat, 10/04/2008

Yes, I would have to agree

Yes, I would have to agree with the other two users. And this is probally a really dumb question, but what is this story about? Is it about someone who lost their faith in God over a loss?

marie (not verified) | Sun, 10/05/2008

=D

You're welcome!

-Falling Leaves

"If life gives you lemons, throw them back!" -Joe Jonas (I think, or it might be another one of the AWESOME Jonas Brothers)

E | Sun, 10/05/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Answer to question

Really it is about little bits of my life with a little fiction. No my parents did not die that is the fiction part

Godslittlegirltoo | Mon, 10/06/2008

Sympathy

  I can sympathize with you: I can write weird stuff too. When I started writing at seven, I wrote extremely dumb, extremely funny stories! :)

  P.S.  I read a little. It's pretty good.

Jackie West | Tue, 03/02/2010

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