Animal Crackers: Harmless Snack or Environmental Threat?

Fiction By Laura Elizabeth // 7/24/2009

(Though not strictly fiction, it isn't actually an essay.)

Where exactly the inspiration for this came from, I don't know. I was sitting in the kitchen, watching some food cook, when I suddenly began to think of animal crackers, and what an environmentalist liberal would think about them. Enjoy!

Animal Crackers: Harmless Snack
or Environmental Threat?

Of all the things to talk about, you might ask why I choose the subject of animal crackers. But I assure you, all you friends on the left, that there is a very good reason. Perhaps you have all seen a son, a granddaughter, a niece or a stepson sitting in their little plastic highchair, their faces all stained with tears while you, the frantic mother, grandmother, aunt or stepmother are trying to get supper made and at the same time supply the ravenous appetite of your little angel (of course, I only use that as a generic term, as there are no real angels. See my article titled 'Angels: Demons of the Superstitious'). Then a brilliant idea pops into your head. "Of course! A cracker will help settle her or him down!" You promptly invade the cupboards, and find animal crackers. I suppose you've all seen those little cardboard boxes that you can buy at Wal-Mart, with the pictures of circus animals on them. They at once appeal to the parent and the child alike. To the parent, because she knows how much little Susie likes animals, and to little Susie because she likes animals. You then give a handful of the beast-shaped edibles to the baby, and you have just set in motion another vicious cycle (unintentionally, of course) of animal slaughter and carnivorism (may I also suggest, cannibalism, as we ourselves are animals). Of course, by eating an animal cracker, you are not slaughtering animals, but take this scenario (a true one, by the way, and one which can be observed quite often when you have a group of five year olds all munching away): Susie and her cousins are all complaining of hunger and starvation. You fish out the familiar colored boxes and give one to each child. Then you stand back, and watch as Susie takes one of the crackers in her hand and looks closely at it. Then, in a manner which is completely premeditated, she solemnly bites the head off. "Look, mommy!" she crows. "I bit the tiger's head off!" Now, how is she to know that tigers are an endangered species? But, this is one of those things, like Sunday School, which we unintentionally bring into our children's lives that have lasting effects. Little Susie, especially after hearing the approving laughter of her cousins, and seeing the absent minded smile of mom, now thinks it is humorous to kill an animal and eat it. Give it a few more years, and she may turn to the right and be out hunting lions and elephants in Africa for sport. Can you just imagine the dire consequences that this apparently harmless food can have? Let us unite, against Animal Crackers!


That's great! Hilarious!

That's great! Hilarious!

Julie | Fri, 07/31/2009

Formerly Kestrel


Very good and goofy!

Heather | Wed, 08/05/2009

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

I was laughing out loud!!!

I was laughing out loud!!! This was hilarious!

E | Fri, 08/07/2009

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond


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