Glow, and yet more poetry

A Poem By little woman // 5/4/2013

I: Trust
Oh God! Oh God!
I trust in You
Oh God! Oh God!
I know You will be true
but God
why must it be so hard
why must it hurt so much
to reach joy and peace
and why must my heart be strengthened
by bending and by breaking
Oh God you are my God
a bulwark never failing

II: silence
this ballooning silence
growing
until it's too large to pop
nothing seems right
to bring this silence
to a stop
not a silence of peace and rest
not a time when silence is best
a silence of ill-ease
a silence that must be broken
a silence that tells of all that is wrong
crying out louder than the words
that must be spoken
yet cannot be found

III: melt
the snow-melt
slowly
disappears
first white
then dark then gone

IV: written in stars
a feeling that strengthens with every word spoken
a surety that grows ever surer
a instinct that paces like the beating of drums
a force ever drawing me nearer

a soft gentle whisper
calling my name
a harrowing cry
doing the same

is it called Destiny?
is it called Fate?
I know not whether either exists

but my pulse is now quickening
my soul now awakes
and I move as though pulled
dancing and swaying
to the music
only heard in my heart

V: achieve
can it be better to strive
ever searching
remain on the nearly-straight plane
never achieving any higher
at that level to remain
or is it better to peak
reach a pinnacle, never to be topped
knowing nothing else can be quite so good
feeling the leaden weight in your chest
as you acknowledge
everything new will be sub-par
to strive or to win
to work and never gain
led on by hope of better things
to summit and fall
listless as autumn leaves.

VI: this part
I hate the part of me
that requires affirmation
the part that cares less
about what I think
and relies on others to tell me
I hate the feeling
I must agree
minor opinions are nothing
unless others feel the same
this part makes me feel inferior
unworthy of the praise
it seeks
I hate this part of me

VII: sinking
watching myself
sinking slowly
into this pit
I fall
trying to climb out
I only dig deeper
lost as to how I got here
in the beginning
I cry out for help
still I dig
deeper
afraid that one day
I'll wake up
and the pinprick of light
will be gone.

VIII: living a lie
I live my life
inside a lie
hiding who I am
needing space
to hold myself inside
tailoring words
to fit
whoever I think might hear
I will not lie
I will try
but
there is so much about me
that you will never know

IX: glow
hiding here
inside myself
these walls I can't tear down
I tried it once
now I'm addicted
to wanting to be better
wanting to glow
I only see faults
I want to be free
from judging myself
I can't believe
people like me
they must be lying
or saints
I want to be free
but I'm not brave enough
to try
I'll try
to be brave

X: pursuit of beauty
the harder I try
to be pretty
the uglier I think I look
I can't do it
anymore
I give up
yet still I do
the same old things
caught in a trap I can't erase
I've lost control
I'm helpless
hopeless
empty

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