From Mesmairda to Ofailia, letter the second.

Fiction By Tamerah // 2/12/2008

The second installment of the Mesmairda to Ofailia letters.

Dearest Ofailia,
Hello my pet! It has been a while since I have written you, hasn’t it? I'm afraid that between my three jobs i haven't had time to write to anyone much lately. Oh but of course you didn't know that I had three jobs did you! I'll just have to get you up to date then wont I? As you may or may not know, Jericho has become very ambitious of late and he is wanting to go to college to become a mathematician. As now a days it is hard even to put a Salamander through college i have had to get three jobs to pay for his tuition. Of course my stationary business is going well, but along with that i have had to get a job in a fish food factory and as a semi truck driver. I also do a bit of Private Investigator work too, as you may or may not know, but i enjoy it so much i don't consider it work. But even with these jobs i am having trouble making ends meet, as i have been out of work the past couple weeks, so i sold one of my kidneys for Science. So as you can see i have been very busy, but Jericho is quite happy now and getting along very well in school.
Now regarding why i have been out of work. Last week as you may or may not have heard from Miss Roberta Divvdale when she visited your part of town, I went in for some minor nostril surgery. It is nothing to be concerned about mind you, so don't get yourself all up in a tizzy for i know you already have, let me explain. It seems that blockage that has been bothering me for so long was actually a tic-tac that had been lodged in the uppermost passage of my nostril and surgery was required for getting it out. But everything is quite alright now, I have made a one hundred percent recovery and I expect to be able to go back to work on this following Wednesday.
Now for some more news on the “Galactic” case that i know you are so interested in. A new file has surfaced in the D.A.'s office (Debtors Anonymous) Apparently it had been “lost” but of course no one believes that. The file states that in a case such as the “Galactic” one you must have at least one pair of lucky undergarments in order to win. Now unfortunately both sides have access to this file so now everyone has a pair of lucky undergarments. The lucky undergarments being worn on both sides of course cancels each other out so we are having to adopt new lucky items. The case manager has a lucky pair of clogs, his secretary has a lucky squirt bottle, and I myself have adopted the traditional lucky rabbits foot that is wearing a lucky sock. I think we are guaranteed to win now, especially with Ted’s lucky monster truck (I'm driving it this weekend to pick up a shipment associated with my truckers job)
Now for some more distressing news. My dear, dear cousin Alison has come down with Lifsinksons virus! Lifsinksons, as you may or may not know, is a very rare virus, most likely brought over from the Arctic. The Arcticonians call it Mad Seal. The common symptoms are the desire for pea soup, eye leakage, sniffy, leaky, and/or runny nose, dry skin, drowsiness, massive internal bleeding, and the uncontrollable urge to bark like a seal. Keep her in your prayers, she has recently been rushed off to the veterinarian (the best place to treat Mad Seal).
On a happier note, I have finally been admitted into the very prestigious Cookery Club. I have tried to make it into that club nigh on one hundred times, and finally! I have made it! Now you may or may not know that the Cookery Club is a club that you cook in. You choose three ingredients, no matter how outrageous of a combination, and you cook them together. Then you sample the finished product and give it a name. Yesterday a very delicious new food was made with the combination of Bananas, Tomato Soup and Marion Berry jelly. I haven’t made anything successful yet, apparently there is already something called “Apple Pie” though I have never heard of it before.
Ofailia you remember my sister Jangie don't you? She is the one that is always saying she is dying. After being taken to the doctor several hundred times and told there is nothing wrong with her she has gotten it into her head that she has CBDD (Chronic Bone Decay Disease). I had to inform you of this because she wants you to have her very best gravy boat when she passes and she says that your thanks should be sent immediately as she wont be among the living much longer. Poor thing. I can't imagine what it would be like to think you were always dying. She has been going on like this ever since she was four and now she is fifty-seven. It must be so trying on one's strength to always be dying. I don't think it is very likely she will ever die honestly, she will probably go on living past a hundred, complaining the whole way how she thinks her heart might have stopped or how she is afraid she will forget how to breathe.
Well Ofailia, i have finally joined a Jazzercise class. You know i thought it was a special way of decorating wooden boxed with glitter dust. I was very surprised when i stepped into the Jazzercise room in my very best decorating-wooden-box-with-glitter-dust outfit and my craft kit bag. I am quite sure the class was wrong about it being an exercise class, some people can get so confused. So now that i have joined an art class i am thinking of doing a sport, like Tennis. I've always been partial to those cute little skirts. But at least i should be taking up a safe sport. My neighbor Hagbisgus has played just about every sport you can think of, from football to ice skating. But this time i think he is being ridiculous because now he is taking up Motocross. The buffoon bought all of his equipment from a door-to-door salesman who was selling silver spoons and motocross gear, he even had one of them bikes out in his car! I know he will be killed this time! God knows how old he really is. He passes himself off as fifty but he really looks twice that age! I don't know what i shall do if he is killed because he has me down in his will as the person who will take care of his 37 rabbits when he passes. Heaven knows what will happen to Adamson, he is deathly afraid of rabbits. I suppose if push comes to shove i could lock Hagbisgus in his outdoor shed to keep him from hurting himself, but I'm afraid i would have to go through the rabbits before i could get to him and they are very protective.
The funniest thing happened with Adamson the other day, Ofailia. He was taking his weekly bath when he suddenly became aware of someone watching him (or so he said to me). He froze as he says is a natural thing to do when one is being watched and then, slowly he turned his head, and there sitting on the edge of the tub was his bathtime Elmo. It was then i became aware that there was a problem because i heard him shout from in the kitchen (where i was working on a new recipe for my Cookery Club),
"Stop looking at me! Your creeping me out!" Then a moment later he appeared in his bathrobe dripping water all over the place, with the unfortunate Elmo in his hand and he threw it across the room and yelled,
"Get rid of it! I wont have him watching me take my bath ANYMORE!" So i gave it to the Applegates boy across the street, but still Adamson insists on having everything with eyes removed from his bedroom, and especially the bathroom.
Oh i almost forgot to tell you dearest that the Prime Minister wrote me the other day and he has invited me to a luncheon with a few of his friends (including the Emperor) and that i am to invite anyone i like. Naturally i would invite you Dearest but since your foot has swollen to such a large extent i don't think you will be able to walk very easily, and you know i have never been quite equal to pushing around a wheelchair, and you couldn't possibly manage it yourself with your weak arms, so i am sure you understand why i am taking your sister instead. I will make up for it though, for i am inviting both the Prime Minister and the Emperor to my masked ball next month, and granted your foot has returned to its original size you shall be the first name added to the guest list! And even if your foot has not completely gone back to normal you could always dress as an elephant for the evening, that is the beauty of masked balls you see!
Dearest Ofailia i am scolding myself very harshly right now for cutting this letter so short but i really must go! I have my STTA meeting to go to (Save The Trees Anonymous) and i am going to bring some new samples of my stationary (i have several new prototypes), and i am down on the list for bringing the paper plates for the snacks this week! So goodbye for now Dearest Ofailia, and i hope this letter finds you perfectly well!

With the greatest affection,
Aunt Mesmairda

P.S. Please remember to let up on the hairspray dear, no ones hair is that big anymore.

Comments

That is SOOOOO funny!

That is SOOOOO funny!

Anna | Tue, 02/12/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

HA!

HA!!! She has to bring the paper plates for the snacks at the Save The Trees Anonymous meeting!!!

Jericho seems to be one highly intelligent salamander... :) (I find his newfound desire to be a mathematician particularly interesting since I know how much you personally can't stand mathematics!)

All highly amusing!! :)
~Jenny

Jenny | Tue, 02/12/2008

Funny

Highly amusing, and the Elmo part is very familiar. LoL

Anonymous | Thu, 02/14/2008

Brilliant!

Brilliant job with your comedy! I really, really enjoyed this. I have rarely read something quite so original. Outstanding piece of work.

Anonymous | Thu, 02/14/2008

Thank you!

I don't know who you are but thank you!

Tamerah | Thu, 02/14/2008

lolz

!!
very, very funny, Tamerah!
~Sarah H

Anonymous | Fri, 02/15/2008

But I heard the Emperor

But I heard the Emperor studied foot swelling in graduate school and still entertains an active interest in the subject! Does not Aunt Mesmairda know this? I can only suspect that she wants all the attention for herself (although she could always eat ginger root and develop swollen feet herself for the occasion).

Ben | Sat, 02/16/2008

Ah, it is quite possible

Ah, it is quite possible that Aunt Mesmairda was being a bit selfish as she is on occasion known to be (though very seldom i assure you). Although I do not know if she was at the time aware of the Emperors hobby, I am quite sure that if I asked her she would declare she knew all along, and she would give a very grand explanation as to why she thought Ofailia's sister was more fit to be taken along (and very likely she would have tried the ginger root, if only to make Ofailia feel more at ease, but she has personally informed me that her feet do not take to swelling and that the last time they did so it took a good deal of therapy before they were restored to their original shape and size).

Tamerah | Sat, 02/16/2008

Your Seeester

So that was pretty funny. I really like the part about the lucky items, and the creepy Elmo that watches you bathe. I hate it when KT's hippo watches me, so I can relate.
Keep up the good work.

Anonymous | Mon, 02/18/2008

I needed a smile so I went

I needed a smile so I went back and read your letters - I love 'em, and I hope there is another installment soon!

Christa | Mon, 04/21/2008

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