The Concise Handbook on Fine Cuisine; A Discourse on the Seemingly Universal and Collective Abhorrence of Fine Foods held Superior and Sacred by the Connoisseur

Submitted by Johanna on Sun, 06/09/2013 - 00:56


Due to the factors of delicacy and poise which I am obligated to maintain during the course of writing this book, I have found that it is of the utmost necessity that I include footnotes, so that the Reader may be enlightened as to some of the more vague facts and details which I consider highly difficult to insert effectively into the otherwise efficient scheme of this book; and though I am aware that this shall not be without consequences for myself (for it is a well-known fact that nearly every person who reads a book will, at least for the first reading, skip over all footnotes), I strongly urge and implore you to read my humble little footnotes, that you may more readily be able to follow the complex, yet absolutely indispensable classic which I have so painstakingly authored.

Chapter I
In Which the Present Condition of Cuisine is Deplored

As the finest and most superb connoisseur of fine and exquisite French fare,1 I have found, to my utter desolation and disbelief,2 that I must regretfully, remorsefully, and quite ashamedly be resigned to this fact: that the entire population of our prodigious and magnificent country3 refuses adamantly and ubiquitously to submit to the nourishing, excruciatingly scintillating experience, nay blissful ecstasy of savoring the inestimable entrées, such as the escargot.4

After reading such a narrative as the one which I am as of now writing, you, my dear Reader, may find it possible in your own humble opinion, that I am the sort of person who adores my own self, and am subjected to a certain pomposity and pretentiousness, considering myself to be of a much higher order than ordinary or lower human beings; but stay your mouth in uttering such criticisms until you have given attention to my reasons, which I will now point out to you in great detail, not even forgoing the painful tale of my humble birth (at the expense of my modest pride, which every man is entitled to have at least a minute portion).

Author's age when written

1 This seemingly arrogant and supercilious opinion being held not only by my own prudent and humble self, but also having been pronounced by the prosperous yet somewhat corpulent lesser experts on this particularly controversial matter as being not only an enthusiast of comestibles, but also a specialist in the fine science of creating, presenting, and tasting superior and magnificent viands and victuals, as well as the highest authority in all matters regarding the delicate and exquisite nature of food (though I consider the word much too coarse to refer to that superb and lovely sustenance, which inspires poets and musicians, which causes the recipient to nearly expire, his senses overwhelmed by its extraordinary character and graceful form). 2 Which, it must be confessed that though the intelligence, reason, and intellect contained within my cranium is such that I have the most extensive and profuse imagination, I fail to capably encompass and contemplate the thought, nay the horrific and detestable notion, that most disreputable and ridiculous concept, the scandalous and altogether criminal opinion of this deliberation which has come to pass. 3 Of which no one except myself should even dare utter a word of reproach against, lest my tremendous fury be unleashed against such an audacious and foolhardy man. 4 How any self-respecting person (and when I say person, I spit the word out of my mouth, as the most derogatory and insulting comment I can as of now, use) could even let the thought cross their minds so as to refuse such a delicacy is beyond even the intellect of my own remarkably exceptional mind.


Hahaha! I love the voice you used here. Spot on, old chap! :)
Just curious, do you intend to expand this further, or was this one chapter just for fun?
P.S. This reminded me of some of the hares in the Redwall books. ;)

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -- Herman Melville
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." -- Anton Chekhov

Thank you so much for your comments :) I actually haven't really been reading anything (other than school-books) or even writing much over the last six months. This piece is from last summer - I don't remember what exactly inspired me to write it, but I know it was a whole lot of fun, and I laughed a lot during the process :)

As for continuing on, I'm not sure if I will. I don't know if I could come up with enough new material for more chapters. Still, I might, if I think up anything.

"Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of."
- Charles Spurgeon

This is SO super awesome! A little bit hard of a read, only because every three words was a footnote, but it was very enjoyable. Your wording is fabulous! I hope to read more soon :D

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
Write On!

I'm sorry if my mind is not creative enough, but I just can't imagine you writing this Johanna.

What did I think of when reading this? I imagined that this...character was talking about the foods that can be found in that recipe book that you gave me several Christmases ago. :P

"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."

Well I had written a really long comment with this elevated language and my computer somehow deleted it... :P

Write on Johanna!