I may smile for the camera
I might fool my friends with laughter
When I was 15 I was a bubbly, outgoing girl. I spent as much time as possible with my friends, and was called a social butterfly by many.
But underneath the lies
You will find the truth that hides
One day, I came to the sudden realization that I did not know nor love the Lord, and that I was on the road to Hell. I knew I was a hypocrite, and hated the outward lifestyle I was living in. I was tired of looking and acting like a conservative young woman, and I was confused about why I looked and acted the way I did. It wasn't who I felt I was on the inside. Regardless of my confused identity, I continued to be that bubbly, smiling girl.
I try to hold it all together
Do I have to hold it in forever?
I'm not that strong
I can't do this on my own
I was terrified. All of my friends were Christians, as was my family, and I knew what an ordeal it would be to tell anyone what my struggle was. So I kept pressing forward, looking and acting the way I was expected to. Yet on the inside I felt like I was lost and dying. I didn't know what to do, and I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Even prayer was frightening because I could feel the wrath of God hovering over my head. I was petrified.
If you could understand
What's really happening on the inside
You'd see the pain that I try to hide
I started to examine myself; to see if any part of me desired to follow God. A part of me did, but I wasn't sure if it was due to a fear of suffering in Hell, or if it was an actual thirst for truth and a savior. I wracked my brain trying to understand my own feelings.
If you were in my head
Then maybe you could see who I really am
I'm broken on the inside
I longed (and yet feared) to have just one person who understood what I was going through. I had no peace, and no comfort. I felt like a stranger in my own neighborhood. Because of my loneliness, I finally turned to prayer. I asked God to show me my heart as He saw it. I was in a quandary because I knew that Jesus Christ was Lord; I just didn't know if I wanted Him to be Lord of my own life personally, and I didn't know if I wanted to follow Him. But I kept on praying. I wanted open eyes.
You should know your story doesn't end here
I know how you feel because I've been there
Doesn't have to be your fight
Don't you know He's on your side
Slowly, I began to understand what the Lord wanted from me. He wanted me to believe in Him, to follow Him, and to love Him. I believed in Him, yet I didn't know how to love Him, and I wasn't sure if I could truly follow Him. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights, praying "Lord, teach me to love You."
He knows all you've ever done
He loves you more than anyone
Whatever you're going through
He's reaching for you
I started to feel His hand in my life. I knew I wanted Him as my savior and Lord, but I still was struggling with the knowledge that I did not love Him, and still did not know how to love Him.
My child I understand
What's really happening on the inside
I see the pain that you try to hide
I know what's in your heart
And I can see you for who you really are
I'll fix what's broken on the inside
A few weeks after I turned 16 the Lord impressed it on my heart that He knew I was imperfect, but that He loved me anyway. He showed me through His word that He had imputed His righteousness to me, and that if I would commit to following Him and giving up my body (my worldly flesh) as a sweet-smelling sacrifice, He would teach me to love Him. With tears of joy I yielded my life to Christ.
Giving up the fight
Running to the light
You know He's there
He's right by your side
When you feel lost
Run to the cross
Look up and see
I clearly remember the day when I looked up and understood that Jesus was my Savior, and made the choice to try and follow Him for the rest of my life. I thank God for that day. I finally knew what it was to have a "peace that passes all understanding" in my heart (Philippians 4:7).
Hello all! I'll be taking a short break from A Changed Lock to write a bit about myself. Music has been a huge part of my life for ever since I can remember, and so I decided to write a bit around each song that I have loved since I was 15. I always have a "song of the year;" one that I listen to often and really feel is a telling of my life in some sense. So here is the first part of a five part series. The song in this part is Kyle Kupecky's On the Inside. You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/Xh-5dZV3wng