I have been trying, like Little Women’s Jo March, to write about familiar things, so as practice I have taken a few moments of my life and written them down. I realize that they are mostly depressing moments from 2+ years ago, but I’m working on projecting emotions through writing, and these are the moments that I feel I captured well. So please, enjoy, and share your thoughts/critiques.
I was tired, lonely, and sad, so I did what I always do when I’m having a bad day; I took a walk down to the creek. It was overcast, yet still hot. I took off my shoes when I got to the low water crossing and walked into the middle. The water was cool and refreshing, and I stood still while it washed over my feet, nearly reaching my ankles.
I stared off into the water, my gaze reaching a million miles beyond the three feet of creek water with minnows and sunfish. The pain, discomfort, and sorrow were all too much in that moment, and my eyes teared up. “I just want it all to end.” I whispered to myself. I tipped my head to one side, and I knew that if I fell headfirst into the creek and breathed in the water, I would die. I was too weak to try and fight it if I did fall in, anyways. It might even look like an accident.
I took one step closer to the edge of the concrete, then caught my breath. I spoke out loud, my whole body shuddering with emotion. “Oh God, I can’t do that! You know I can’t. It is not my place to choose when I die. But oh, God, I’m so ready to die. I’m so ready to leave all of this sickness and sorrow. I’m tired of feeling unable to meet each day. Take me home, Lord. Please. I’m ready to meet You. I’m ready to worship You forever. Take me, Lord.”
I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself while crying silently for a few minutes. Then I stepped out of the water and put my shoes on. I went home.
My feet were in so much pain that my insides shook every time I tried to move. I cried on my bed while my little sister tried awkwardly to comfort me before she and my brothers left to join our group of friends. Eyeliner was smeared across my cheeks and I was beyond caring.
Pain is a relative term, but for me the levels were crashing through the ceiling and beyond, soaring into the Carolina skies. Never had I been so beyond able to cope with the flaming nerves and drilling ache in my bones.
My stomach was still convulsing with pain, so I decided to make the ten-foot trek across the room to get my water and cell salts. As soon as I tried to take the first step I realized that walking would be impossible without help, but all of the people in my group were out hiking. I leaned over as far as could and grabbed the back of the wooden chair that was sitting a few feet away. I gripped it with shaking knuckles and dragged it across the room with me, trusting my full weight to its back. I was crying and gasping from the pain, and as soon as I made it back to my bed I collapsed, pulling my limbs in until I was curled protectively around myself.
I cried every tear I had, sobbing and wailing in my pain and frustration. I mourned for my lost health, and grieved for my poor body. I hugged myself and gently rocked back and forth until I was calm again, and then I drifted off into a deep sleep.
More often than I’d like, I hit this point of absolute mental exhaustion that can’t handle any more “life”; and especially not at the rate that it is dished out to me. And it’s not even that it’s all hard things/bad news: it’s a mixture of just all of it. How vague can I be??? Marriages, funerals, vacations, courtships, conferences, family trauma (whether mine or a friend’s), and engagements can pile up and spill over quickly. And then I’m left full to the brim yet simultaneously washed out.
And my own thought-life inside my head is drowning in ideas and conspiracies; while I overthink literally every aspect of my personal life. It’s too much, and I can’t handle it.
I’ve allowed myself to fall for someone who is unavailable and unreachable; his heartstrings are slowly wrapping around the soul of another woman. And I am crushed. I am ground to a pulp and left dripping off the edge of the shelf where I have sat for the last few years.
The tendrils of my heart have already begun to slowly wrap themselves back into a soft cocoon. There they will stay; tucked away safely until God asks me to unfurl them in all their sparkling, dimpling, virgin beauty. Until then I will learn to wait, and pray for clarity to see (when the timing is right) that there is someone who has been made worthy to receive them.
Florida Georgia Line and Hailee Steinfeld were blasting from the radio, and I had my hand out the open window. My two younger siblings and I were rolling down the county road I live on, deep in the heart of the Texas hill country. I felt the moist, stickiness on my fingers from the humidity outside, and giggled out loud for pure joy of living. These little moments have always stood out to me more than the big ones do.
See, ever since my bout of illness, I had been learning to appreciate the little things in life. The few moments in which I felt good and had energy were few and far between, so I had to fight to feel the joy and purity in life on most days.
Thank you, Professor Baer <3