How to Control Your Human

Submitted by Johanna on Mon, 02/02/2009 - 04:31

I wrote this after we had made friends with squirrels and fed them, only to have them turn on us and ruin the window screens. They were so cute at the beginning though. We actually did name one of them Doogy Plum, because he was kind of fat!

In order to control your human, you must make a good first impression. To do this, you must first approach a door or window and catch their attention. This may be done by going right up to the door or window and acting as innocent as possible. (It may be helpful if you choose a human with young. This will allow you to have its young’s sympathy, thus enabling the adult to have sympathy for you as well, not wanting to appear cruel.)
You must also lead your human to believe that you are incapable of doing harm; otherwise they will not feed you. The father will be harder to convince. Just keep “being cute” and acting innocent, and your human will convince the father that you are above suspicion.
However, do not climb on the screen, or you will find yourself, once again, quite hungry. Doogy Plum climbed on the screen, and tore it, causing not only him, but the rest of us to lose our meals for a few days. Make sure your actions do not put others into danger, or your friends will turn against you!
After you have done all of the above, your human will be enamored with you, so long as you share with your fellow squirrels. However, everything counts on their first impression. If you please them at first sight, they will serve you meals, all of your life!

Author's age when written


It made me laugh when you said "human with young". Hee hee hee

"A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives presicely when he means to." Gandalf

I love this. Although it's actually my mom you would have to convince to take care of an animal. It's cute! Great job, Johanna!

"When reality sucks, try insanity." - Unknown

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

At least they aren't those big, dark, scary squirrels from Mirkwood.

"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Ah, yes, beware Mirkwood escapees!
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Formerly Kestrel

Funny. "Human with young". I'm going to say that now. Actually that reminds of Night at the Museum, "control your young". Ha, ha, ha. Very good. Nice job.

"Here are the beauties which pierce like swords or burn like cold iron." C.S.Lewis

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God such men lived."
General George S. Patton