A Traitor's Prayer

Submitted by Mary on Thu, 11/20/2008 - 17:18

I knew all along that it would end this way,
But I didn't realize that it would be this way.
I knew all along what I had to do,
But I never took time to see what I was doing.
I knew I had to gain their trust in order to work against them,
But I never thought that in gaining their trust I would learn to love them.

I knew that I would sell out my enemies to my allies,
But I never dreamed that my enemies would be my friends.
And now that it is done and irreversible,
I am dying. Slowly.
My strength is being sucked from me
By the love I still cling to -
Love for all those whose lives
I took from them.
So now I am begging, pleading, praying:
Tear this traitor's heart from my chest -
Leave me bleeding,
For I would rather die with them than live
Without them and with the knowing
That it was my hand that sent them to eternity.
I deserve no less and I pay it gladly, so take me...
Take me... Take me...

How cold the stone floor feels against my face,
Even though I have laid here for hours.
Is it your voice I feel stirring in my wretched soul?
Is it you?
What do you want from me?
I cannot do what you are asking -
Do you not remember what I have done?
Is repentance enough to save the soul of a traitor?

The floor is still so cold against my face,
Unwarmed by the tears I have poured upon it.
But now as I lift my face to the rising sun...
Oh, quick, to my horse!
To the mountains, and across them,
To the borderlands, and beyond!
I must ride - yes, to my enemies' rescue -
To protect the country I choose to call "home".
I am a traitor who has found forgiveness.
I will stand and fight by the side of my enemy,
For the memory of those who died,
And for love of the ones who live.


This poem was rejected last month, so I thought I'd put it here to get some more feedback on it. It was written in the viewpoint of the main character of my novel, Son of the Shield

Author's age when written


What is it with these publishers???
The only thing I found wrong with it is that I think the grammar is "have lain", not "laid"... I could be wrong, though.
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Yeah, what is wrong with publishers? They must be prejudiced against homeschoolers, or something. :D

I love this, Mary, it's beautiful.
BTW, are you going to post anything of your novel soon? I'd love to read it!
"Ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?...Morons."

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -Bilbo Baggins [The Lord of the Rings]

Well, I'm only on chapter 7 of my novel right now, and it's kind of slow going. But maybe when I get a bit more done I'll start posting chapters. That way you all can give me your feedback before I start pestering publishers with it!
I'll check on the grammar (Lain vs. Laid). Thanks for pointing that out.

"Never let a serious crisis go to waste."
- Rom Emmanuel

Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

Oh yes, do! Especially if it's fantasy. :)
"The world will likely end tomorrow - unless postponed for rain." -Tamerah (on her blog)

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

whoa, this was amazing! i love it.
i don't think publishers are prejudice against homeschoolers. they can only take so much stuff at times, etc. =)
i've written a song for my story just the other night the way you wrote this poem (the viewpont from the main character), altho i must say this is much better than my song. =)
a creative mind never ceases for long in thinking.

~All men were created equal, then some became Marines~
*Death smiles at everyone, Marines smile back*
gotta love the Marines!!

Just out of curiostiy, who did you submit it to for publishing?

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

wonder why I even bother to write poems when all of yours outdo mine like this! :0) I absolutely love this poem, as you already know. It just makes me love Sorek even more! There's a question for ya: who's cooler, Ivan or Sorek?
Sorek. Totally. You'll say Ivan, though. And I still can't see Sorek with blond hair!
But he didn't live happily ever after because he was a fairy-tale non-conformist
~Duncan MR

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

... which is a joke you will only get if you have watched Veggie Tales with your younger siblings.
Anna, you were right, it's "have lain," not "have laid," and my mom is mortally embarrassed that I posted incorrect grammar - but she said it's excusable since that one is really confusing! : )
Ezra, I sent it in to Mindflights for publication. They said it wasn't speculative.
Heather, you are determined to make me choose a favorite between Ivan and Sorek, aren't you? How many times must I tell you that I CAN'T choose between them! I mean, Sorek is SO cool, but Ivan is just COMPLETELY awesome!

Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

BTW - thanks so much for all of the feedback and compliments, you guys. I really appreciate it, even if I'm not sure all of the good things you said were deserved on my part!

Brother: Your character should drive a motorcycle.
Me: He can't. He's in the wilderness.
Brother: Then make it a four-wheel-drive motorcycle!

This is really good, Mary. What do publishers know anyway? :)

I LOVE THIS POEM SOOOOOO MUCH MORE NOW!!! I always thought it was cool, and then I read SotS and remembered that this was on here AND I LOVE IT. *Sigh*

WAY cool.

I have a character who this would totally fit...not the first part, but the rest...

Formerly Kestrel

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